


Tucker OWNS Crazy Liberal NERV Scientist! SJW's OWNED #145

by Yowatup



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, High IQ, Humor, Not Serious, Political
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-13 14:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21495739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yowatup/pseuds/Yowatup
Summary: In the latest Tucker Carlson show, our favorite TV bowtie-wearing host tackles on the issue of EVAs and NERV, owning NERV scientist Ritsuko Akagi in the process!
Kudos: 2





	Tucker OWNS Crazy Liberal NERV Scientist! SJW's OWNED #145

**Tucker OWNS Crazy Liberal NERV Scientist! SJW's OWNED #145**

A short guitar riff was heard as the show began.

"Good evening!" a male voice greeted enthusiastically, "And welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight!"

America's most viewed talk show host had begun his segment. Tucker Carlson, a Fox News journalist, had escalated in the Fox hierarchy quickly thanks to the unceremonious firing of the previous host: Bill O'Reilly. Tucker was quite a controversial figure, but he was also particularly persuasive. He could easily rally conservatives all across the land in support or protest to what was shown in his show. Because of his cultural power, the mainstream media (any media outlet aside from Fox News) had consistently tried to smear him and get him off his platform. However, their efforts were mostly fruitless and, sometimes, they even helped to bolster Tucker's image in his supporters' eyes.

Tucker was a white middle-aged man. He had brown combed hair and he wore an iconic bow-tie.

"Another Angel strike has been reported in the Geofront of Tokyo-03 in Japan," Tucker said, "This marks the third attack in the last week. And, even though, these strikes have caused major damages and casualties, we still don't know: _what_ they are, _where_ they come from… Heck! We don't even know what they want!" Tucker claimed indignantly.

"One would think that with all the funding NERV receives… and it's a _lot_ let me tell you…" he said with exasperation, "One would think that we'd have, at least, the tiniest clue of whatever is going on," he paused for dramatic effect.

"We don't. We don't know a single thing about what 'experts'," he did air-quotes, "claim is the biggest threat humanity's ever faced," Tucker pushed his back against his seat. "Why is that?" he asked with a confused look on his face.

"_It's a lack of funding!_" Tucker imitated an exasperated person, "they say. But is it really? Right now, over 40% of America's budget, that means, over 40% of the money paid by _you_, the American taxpayer, is destined to NERV," Tucker stressed this point, "An organization whose main base of operations is on the other end of the ocean on a whole other continent!"

"It certainly seems strange that so much money is given to this organization. You could even say it's _too much_ money," Tucker said, "I mean, 40% of our current federal budget is over 1.3 Trillion US$. That must be more than enough, right? Well, according to NERV scientists, it's not," he said bluntly, "and you're evil if you refuse to contribute more."

"Earlier today, Ritsuko Akagi, NERV's head scientist, said as much. Look at this," Tucker said as he pointed to the screen.

The image changed and instead of showing Tucker's alluring mug, it showed a blonde woman wearing a white lab-coat and bright red lipstick. She was asked by a male reporter, "Miss Akagi! What do you have to say about the damages caused to Tokyo-03 and NERV's slow response time?"

"We responded fast enough," Ritsuko curtly answered, "But we could have responded even faster if we didn't run on such a tight budget."

She started to leave, but the same reporter asked, "But don't you receive enough funding already?"

"We don't," she stated bluntly, "When it comes to humanity's future, governments should spare no money. We know that some nations refuse to pay the amount required by international treaties. If they continue to ignore the apocalypse knocking on our door, they'll be complicit in humanity's destruction. They'd be outright evil."

The clip ended. The screen showed Tucker once more with a face of bewilderment.

"You heard it right," he said, "'If you do not contribute more money you're evil! It doesn't matter how much you're contributing right now, contribute more!'"

Again, Tucker did a pause for dramatic effect.

"Well, if we're to contribute more, then at least we should get to know what NERV does with its money, right? What does NERV even do exactly? Well, we did some digging and the results are surprising. Aside from the Evangelion program, which we will get into later- trust me," Tucker clarified, "A significant part of NERV's budget, 20% in fact, is actually destined to _another_ organization called SELEE. Now, what is SEELE? We don't know. _That_ we couldn't figure out. What does this shadowy organization have to do with saving humanity? If we are paying for it, shouldn't we at least know what they are there for?"

"SEELE raises some serious questions about NERV, but so does the Evangelion program. We've all seen the giant robots fighting Angels," the screen began to show footage of the latest Angel strike. A purple humanoid giant robot, an Eva, was fighting off a weird creature. "But not everyone knows about the Eva pilots. It is no secret, but the media rarely brings it up. The Eva pilots, the saviors of humanity, are three 15-year-old children. I'll say it again," this time the screen showed Tucker looking directly in front, "The Eva pilots are 15-year-old children."

He paused.

"That's weird," Tucker furrowed his brow, "Why would we leave the fate of humanity in the hands of three children? It makes no sense!"

"NERV has offered, as of the date, no satisfactory answer to this question or any question in fact! If they want us to pay more, the least we want is transparency. Heck! With all the information that remains classified, I wouldn't be surprised if they knew more about the Angels than they let on…"

He inhaled.

"In any case, our guest tonight might be able to shed some light into some of NERV's more shady business. Joining us now is none other than NERV's head scientist, Ritsuko Akagi," said Tucker as the screen was divided into two by the middle: one side showing Tucker and the other the blonde scientist from the clip earlier. "Dr. Akagi thanks for coming on."

"Thank you for having me Tucker," Ritsuko said with a clearly fake smile on her face.

"So… I guess I'll start with this," Tucker said, "Why are you asking for a budget increase? Aren't your funds sufficient enough?"

"Look, Tucker," Ritsuko started with the smile still present on her face, "As I said in the interview-in the part you and your team cut off-," Tucker laughed at this, "we lack the funds to develop better technology and infrastructure that can help us respond to Angel threats faster and more efficiently."

"Right," Tucker said with a smirk of his own, "First of all, we didn't cut you off with malicious intent. The clip was simply too long for our 'tight schedule'" Tucker said mocking Ritsuko in his last two words, "And, second… Couldn't you get more funds from… Oh, I don't know… SEELE maybe? What is SEELE anyway?"

Ritsuko momentarily stood there smirking and unresponsive.

"Well, Tucker," she eventually began, "SEELE doesn't concern you. It is classified infor-

"But it does concern me," Tucker claimed matter-o-factually, "I'm-

"Tucker," Ritsuko said passive-aggressively.

"…paying for it," Tucker finished.

"Tucker," Ritsuko called again.

There was a moment of silence.

"Will you let me finish, Tucker?" Ritsuko asked with a hint of venom in her voice.

"Of course," Tucker gave her the go-ahead.

"Thank you," Akagi said with a faked smile, "As I was saying, it is classified information. I cannot speak of it."

"Smells like conspiracy to me!" Tucker exclaimed.

"Everything is a conspiracy to you Tucker."

"Right," Tucker said with a tired smile on his face, "Well, let me ask you this –if you can answer, of course."

"I'm sure I can, Tucker," Ritsuko said.

"Okay…" he shuffled through his papers, "So- in the clip we played- you said that some countries weren't contributing what they should…" Ritsuko nodded and Tucker continued, "It's obvious you were referring to the US-

"That's right;" Ritsuko interrupted, "Among others."

"Right…" Tucker took a second before going on, "So we- that is the American taxpayer, by the way- we contribute about 40% of our federal budget to NERV. That is over 1.3 Trillion US$." Tucker paused, "Is that not enough?"

"It isn't Tucker," Ritsuko said, "The truth is that in the face of the apocalypse, refusing to contribute is not only selfish but also immoral…"

"Right," Tucker was trying to interrupt her.

"…and evil," Ritsuko continued, "I mean…

"So you're doubling down," Tucker said in between Akagi's words.

"I…" Ritsuko paused and asked, "Will you let me finish Tucker?"

"I was just trying to get you to clarify…" Tucker said.

"Right," Ritsuko interrupted, "And I was trying to say something. I mean, Tucker, don't you care for your children's safety?"

"Oh! Come on!" Tucker complained exasperated, "You can't be serious!" He claimed between laughs.

"If you don't care for the Angel threat…" Ritsuko started.

"I do care for the Angel threat!" Tucker argued.

"Well, you don't show it," Ritsuko said.

"Right," Tucker's mouth hanged open, "Me worrying about the American taxpayer is somehow 'evil!'"

"You are not showing care for your children, Tucker."

"Yeah," Trucker said tiredly, "Nice talking point by the way."

"It's not a talking point…" Ritsuko tried to argue.

"Sure," Tucker said, "I will say this, though. I do care for the children- not just my children- all children," he paused, "Particularly, I care for the children- the fifteen-year-old children- who have to pilot the Evas and keep us safe. I mean, isn't there another way to fight Angels?"

"There isn't Tucker," Ritsuko answered curtly.

"Well…" Tucker had a face of bewilderment, "If there isn't… Can't you at least say why?"

"It doesn't concern you, Tucker," Ritsuko said.

"Oh! It doesn't concern me?" Tucker acted indignantly, "Well, Mrs. Akagi I just care for children so much!"

"This is ridiculous…" Akagi said exasperated.

"What is ridiculous is having fifteen-year-old children fighting the greatest threat humanity's ever faced," Tucker said, "And not having a good reason for it."

"There is a good reason for it," Ritsuko said, "I just can't tell you, Tucker."

"Right!" Tucker said, "So we just have to trust you!"

"Precisely," Ritsuko admitted.

"Uh-huh," Tucker had a tired face, "I'm sure that will go along with Americans quite well!" He then started laughing.

"Tucker," Ritsuko tried to butt in, "Look, Tucker…"

He laughed obnoxiously as Ritsuko tried to argue with him.

"Tucker," Akagi said a bit more forcefully.

"Look, Mrs. Akagi, I don't think this will get us anywhere," Tucker said with a smirk on his face and in between laughs.

Ritsuko remained silent, looking straight ahead.

"If you can't talk about anything, then this is just pointless," Tucker said exasperatedly.

"I can talk about other things, Tucker!" Ritsuko tried to argue, "I…"

"We're out of time anyways," Tucker cut her off, "Thank you for coming on, Mrs. Akagi."

"Thank you for having me Tucker," Ritsuko said with a fake smile and with pent up anger inside.

The segment had come to an end.

"In other news, the Holiday season is approaching and the War on Christmas still continues. What is the left asking for now? That signs exhibited in the public roads do not contain the words "Merry Christmas". Stay tuned after this short commercial break."

The debate about NERV in Tucker's program had sparked a ferocious battle between Liberals and Conservatives in Twitter. Many needed questions were asked and many opinions were shared among echo chambers that were isolated from the opposition. Still, people reveled in their right to freely express themselves and good points were raised from both sides.

Of course, this online debate involving humanity's future only lasted for about 2 hours before everyone moved on to the newest and hottest story.

It wouldn't be until the fourth Angel Attack that the debate would be brought up again.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is my take on what would happen if Tucker had to report on the news during the Angel Attacks. Tell me what you thought of it! Don't forget to Review!
> 
> Thanks for reading, see you next time.


End file.
